Here at Harlam, we were having a conversation about the feeling known as conditional love this weekend. During that thought exchange the following thoughts were postulated, (We do love this word.), as always we were interested to see whether you thought the same or different in regard to this strong emotional feeling?
Lamo put forward that to him, having he believed given it in the past, is when you fall in love with someone yet you don’t expect anything from them. In fact you spend your time helping them to find a path of happiness, never feeling negative when they do something that you may not agree with, you forgive them without judging. Never telling them how you feel just loving them for who they are and wanting them to be happy in life however they may feel about you.
Yet here is the thing, to give unconditional love to someone you have to be in love with them, else you cannot give it to them. Unconditional love is true love for another person. This is not family as to me that is an instinctive, in built love but an individual. We are not God so we can’t love everyone unconditionally, and as humans if we did then there would be no meaning to love, or a relationship, there would be nothing special about being with one person over another. There would be no special bond between two people that would keep them together.
Being in love with someone must include the want or hope that you will be with that person. Which suddenly becomes a condition itself doesn’t it? Even though you never confess it to the one that you are giving the unconditional love to. Thus there is an expectation that must be present even in unconditional love?
Now here is the other, irony perhaps, to it. The person you are giving it to generally does not see it, they see it perhaps as someone being really kind to them, making them feel close to that person yet they never see the love because it is unconditional. If that person does not know that you love them unconditionally then how will that ever last? What I mean by this is, when people fall in, let’s call it conditional love, there are indicators, conversations, actions etc. so both can see the feeling then it often grows because the two are right for each other, falling in love that forms part of the strength for the relationship to be. It is a known and cherished state between the two. If these conversations are left unsaid through giving unconditional love then you will likely sit there and have to watch someone else come along, do all the things of conventional relationship forming love and then watch as the one you love disappears because they don’t think you actually love them because you have not shown it, seeing no relationship future with you.
But then when they are with someone else you’re no longer able to give them conditional love because to do that there has to be actual interaction between the two. Otherwise you cannot affect them to keep them on the path to happiness anymore; as such you can no longer give unconditional love. You still love them because that forms the foundation for being able to give unconditional love. Unfortunately the result seems to be that you end up left on your own with all this love that you now can’t give them.
Unfortunately it is only after the loss of that person that you question if you should have told them how you felt at the time. But that’s the irony, unconditional love means you don’t tell them as you give it with no expected return, which most times means that an amazing lifetime relationship is then lost.
You may say it is rare, perhaps but maybe it is because unconditional love is given blindly therefore it cannot be seen to be acknowledged? I wonder if that is not stabbing itself in its own back somehow. Don’t get us wrong we are not in any way slighting it as it is true love but in giving it without showing it at the time, then it seems to become lost in that very silence?
(c) Harlin & Lamo The Lion 2018