Hamlet, A Drinkers Tale?

As writers we occasionally like to undergo a little challenge just to see what we might come up with. Here is a rather modern day take on Shakespeare’s Hamlet. (Well OK Act III Scene I, not the whole play!).

To beer, or not to beer–that is the question: hamlet-william-shakespeare-2-728
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The headache and sickness of outrageous hangover
Or to take Vodka against a sea of troubles
And by drinking end them.
To chug, to drink–
No more–and by a drink to say we want
The hangover, and the thousand natural looks
That drunkenness is heir to. ‘Tis a common state
Devoutly to be wished. To chug, to drink—
To drink–perchance to be drunk: ay, there’s the rub,
For in that drink of vodka what fun may come
When we have shuffled off from the pub,
Must give us pause.
There’s the reason
That makes the walk home so long.
For who drink beer the wine and Vodka of the Victoria,
Th’ alcoholic wrong, the drunk man’s contumely
The pangs of mixing drinks, the mind’s delay,
The insolence of Tequila, and the shots
That dangerous drink that so many take,
When he himself might a cocktail make
With what ingredients? Who would drink this fare,
To grunt and sweat under a weirdly taste,
But that the dread of something much worse,
The undiscovered alcohol, from whose effect
No drinker returns, reducing the will,
And makes us rather drink those ills we have
Than not try others that we know not of?
Thus conscience drowned makes drunks of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is pickled o’er with the drunken cast of sensible thought,
And delivery of great pitchers and shots
With this regard the sober mind turn awry
And lose sense of sane action. — Soft you talk,
The fair Ophelia! — Vodka, in thy optics
Be all my sins not remembered.

(c) Harlin & Lamo The Lion 2018